Do you find this funny?
SAVE THE CHILDREN ADOPTS US GOVERNMENT APPROACHFavoring the new programming design by President Bush, Save the Children will now bomb children after feeding them. The new fundraising campaign "Bombs with Biscuits" has already raised $300,000 in private donations, primarily from Texas & Florida. Other NGOs are leery of this mixing of destructive ordnance, killing & humanitarian aid, claiming that it might confuse the beneficiaries about the intentions of humanitarian NGOs; as a symbol of protest MSF closed all its programs in Westport Connecticut.
That's from today's Humanitarian Times, the April Fool's Issue. For some strange reason, they haven't put this on their web-site, so I've included the whole thing below.
This article, the above, is chuckle worthy, but the last line is what sent people in my office over the edge, howling and rolling on the floor. And that is how you know we're part of the humanitarian assistance subculture. I could explain, and you'd smile a little, but you probably don't have the years of context to provide the explosive gut reaction.
NEW EVIDENCE APPEARS OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION Iraqis & UN investigators, meeting in Syria yesterday, released new & controversial evidence they uncovered after the Iraqi army over-ran a US marine base in southern Iraq & found US computer databases. According to these files, the US military has been harboring nuclear weapons for decades, & even used nuclear weapon to destroy cities in Japan. Also in the database were suggestions that the US military had used chemical (napalm in Vietnam) & biological weapons (smallpox against native Americans in centuries past). In order to force the US to reveal where it is hiding its weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein called on a coalition of the willing, of neighboring Arab states & Europe to invade the US.
SUNDAY MORNING AL JAZEERA "MEET THE PRESS" interviewed Osama Ben Laden & Saddam Hussein this past weekend, discussing their thoughts on the current course of the war. Ben Laden felt that Iraqi Republic Guards were slowed down by mass casualties & criticized Iraqi leadership for having not gamed out the war in advance. In response to most questions Hussein just threatened neighboring countries. Later the 2 also appeared on Al Jazeera's "BookNotes" where compared their favorite aphorisms & stories from the lives of Poncho Villa, Mohamed Aideed & Che Guevara.
US AGENCY FOR INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT (USAID) PRIVATIZED under pressure from the World Bank and IMF, because of the US's economic downturn, the US Govt was forced to sell off the US Agency for International Development. Top bids came from CARE, SAIC, AT&T, Ronco & Haliburton. In the end USAID was sold to World Vision International, which will merge it into their World Vision US office in Seattle.
SAVE THE CHILDREN ADOPTS US GOVERNMENT APPROACH
Favoring the new programming design by President Bush, Save the Children will now bomb children after feeding them. The new fundraising campaign "Bombs with Biscuits" has already raised $300,000 in private donations, primarily from Texas & Florida. Other NGOs are leery of this mixing of destructive ordnance, killing & humanitarian aid, claiming that it might confuse the beneficiaries about the intentions of humanitarian NGOs; as a symbol of protest MSF closed all its programs in Westport Connecticut.
WORLD BANK CONSIDERS POISON-PILL:
After days of speculation that the World Bank was subject to a hostiletakeover from Microsoft, the World Bank Board are debating acquiring enormous debt, in the form of accepting an unprecedented loan of $200B from the IMF. When asked about takeover moves, Bill Gates hedged on Microsoft's intentions, "we have been looking at the idea & it's true that we're crunching a few numbers to see if we could fund the World Bank out of operating expenses." According to analysts within the World Bank, Microsoft has been shopping for global ventures, including General Electric, the Pacific Ocean, the British Commonwealth, or the Caribbean.
AFGHAN FARMERS USE MICROFINANCE TO STREAMLINE OPERATIONS:
Using small-enterprise business models, Afghan farm cooperatives have pioneered a successful partnership with relief agencies, consolidating their joint logistics network. The trucks that bring food into Afghanistan now carry opium out of Afghanistan on the back-leg. Overall cost savings have already been passed on in the form of lower retail price of heroin in the US & Europe.
US BOMBERS ACCIDENTALLY DESTROY MEDIUM SIZE CITY in northern Afghanistan. Pentagon spokesperson explained that it was a technical error, that "our boys had no intention of hitting that city; they were aiming for an ICRC warehouse, but had been given wrong coordinates." A recent RAND report confirms that out of 25 bombing missions meant to hit a Red Cross warehouse, only 3 have hit their targets accurately, a missile precision rate of only 12%.
NEW CONGRESS OF AFGHAN'S REGIONAL RULERS EYES WARCRIMES COURT Borrowing from the lessons of Cambodia, a new "former-Taliban, current warlords" Congress has been created, the purpose of which is to arrest & put on trial 3 or 4 token, very elderly, former Taliban, no-longer in power leaders. According to the plan, the joint UN/Afghanistan war crimes tribunal will require 10+ years of debate between the Congress & the UN, in order to ensure that anyone who might be tried has died natural deaths first.
USG APPROVES EXTRA EMERGENCY FUNDING FOR NGOs OF $35,0000:
Because of the war with Iraq & other simultaneous emergencies, the US Administration agreed to ask Congress for a new special supplemental appropriation of thirty-five thousand dollars, with which to meet the famine, disaster & refugee needs around the world; this line item will be attached to a bill appropriating an extra 10 trillion dollars to the US military.
MILITARY ANALYST RICHARD PERLE FORCED TO RESIGN GOVT POSITION last week after it was learned he mis-used his authority in the military (where he was the architect of the Iraq invasion), to sell secrets to China & to hardwire lucrative contracts to a company he also works with, Global Crossings. Perle denied any conflict of interest.
HALIBURTON COMPANY BOUGHT IRAQ YESTERDAY IN SURPRIZE MOVE which caught many multinationals off guard because they were not aware that the USG was considering to sell Iraq. The US Vice President's office issued the unusual announcement, saying that it was a last-minute decision to react to popular will around the world that the USG not be seen to be running Iraq. White House legal advisers argued that the US had firm legal precedence ("The US sold the Philippines, Cuba & Panama, why not Iraq?"). The terms of the sale were not released but it is believed that Haliburton promised the USG $50B future cash, several future staff swaps & gift certificates for future nuclear secrets. Haliburton will now be responsible for the governance, management & liquidation of any Iraq assets. Haliburton will administer Iraqi reconstruction contracts that had been pre-bid during the last month by the USG. Haliburton will manage numerous sub-contracts. Also this week, former military advisor Richard Perle accepted a job as the new CEO & main share-holder of Haliburton Corporation.
DONORS APPROVE NEW "FOOD-FOR-NUCLEAR-DISARMAMENT" at World Food Programme Executive Committee meetings this week in Rome, whereby 500,000 MT of WFP wheat would be given to Iran in a swap for their new nuclear missiles. As part of a triangular transaction, WFP will donate the nuclear missiles to former food recipient South Korea. WFP Director James Morris explained that this fits with WFP's new bigvision approach, including other initiatives such as "food-fortechnological-innovation", "food-for-tourism", & "food-for-newtelevision-programming."
NEW HUMANITARIAN AID STANDARDS DRAFTED BY COALITION MILITARY extend the now-in-revision SPHERE humanitarian charter & minimum standards. Among the new standards is a clarification that relief aid should only be given if the recipients reveal tactical information useful to combat or if they agree to flee their homes. Water should be delivered primarily in the form of imported bottles & shelter destruction should be given earliest priority.
THE EUROPEAN UNION CLARIFIED ITS DISASTER FUNDING POLICIES in a position paper this week on 2 controversial issues. First, in reaction to controversies over its refusal to become involved in Iraq, ECHO announced that in all cases in the future it "would fund needed disaster prevention & preparedness only after a disaster has occurred." Second, with regard to its long-standing reluctance to fund intl NGOs, ECHO explained that any aid agency from anywhere in the world was welcome to receive funding from ECHO, just so long as they are based in Europe & employ only Europeans.
FRANCE PASSES NEW ANTI-AMERICA LAWS IN REACTION to current rift. "For example, under the new legislation, all McDonalds in France must go by the name of Chevalier's & American Airlines airplanes must be marked 'Uncouth Airlines' when landing at de Gaulle airport," explained Minister of Humanitarian Legislation Pepe Le Pew.
HOLLYWOOD PARADIGM SHIFTS TO HUMANITARIAN RELIEF HEROES: following the success of a spate of movies about comic characters such as Spiderman, Hollywood has now rushed to adapt a cascade of films about humanitarian aid workers.
In a movie now in pre-production filming in Hawaii, USAID workers dig tunnels under Chechnya & physically carry Chechens over the Mts into Thailand. In another film, titled "Feed the Meters", being filmed in NW Mexico, aid workers attend countless meetings inside office buildings. Peter O'Toole has been cast as Dr. John Seaman, & Gerard Depardieu has agreed to play Bernard Kouchner in a war between Save the Children & MSF. The UNHCR hero, Craig Sanders, will be played by Brad Pitt. In another script under consideration by Paramount, NGO workers wage pitched battles against the UN bureaucracy. Morgan Freeman has signed on to play Roy Williams, Martin Sheen as former UNICEF director Jim Grant, Colin Farrell will play Austen Davis, Nicholas Cage has agreed to play Gerry Martone of IRC, Meryl Streep has signed to play UNHCR's Madame Ogata, John Travolta will play Chris Hennemeyer of CRS, & Robert de Niro will play Kofi Annan. Disney has announced an animated adventure of UN peacekeepers trying to protect Hutus in Congo, the working title is "Jungle Book, Chapter 6 1/2."
In the already successful March-release "Tears of the Sun," Bruce Willis already stars as a new kind of humanitarian aid action hero, who kills as many Nigerians as possible (he's outnumbered). Also, a tragic romantic epic based on the life of Fred Cuny, titled "Be Yawn Borders" is finished & ready for release this year; the slight, quiet British actor Clive Owen plays the larger-than-life Texan, Cuny, with a British accent.
"AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL" CREATED TO COMPETE FOR ACCLAIM "Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China & Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of. Axis of Evil members immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil -in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition." [Separately,] Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. (source: John Cleese)
This morning the White House & Govt in Baghdad announced a peace summit. A look-alike of Saddam Hussein & a look-alike of George Bush said they would send their respective doubles (look-alikes) to meet for peace negotiations in a city that looks like Cairo. The Bush looks-like-the-look-alike, a Mr. A.E. Neumann, says he has been preparing over forty years for this spy vs. spy mission.
"War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left." -Stephen Wright