Neal Pollack declares, and I've never been one to lie back and let sensibilities go unpunished. Thus, National Make Fun of the Cheneys Day!
Dude, that's like dynamiting fish. Give me a hard one. Maybe something like Mocking Pseudonymous Bloggers for Their Tendentious Prose Styles Day. Now that is a Day I could get behind. Man, I can do rock-solid Tacitus , and you should see my Demosthenes: you'd think the shadow had fallen on you! And my "Glenn Reynolds" is brilliant, man. Let me give you a taste: Sounds about right. Indeed.
Damn, I'm hot! Read on, Horatio...
S and N (running on stage, each carrying a stool): Thank you! Thank you!
S (waving): It is really great to see you all here tonight. Thanks so much for coming. (nodding at the front row; pointing) You too, baby, yeah.
N (sips water, puts it down): Hey, Straight, saw your sister backstage.
S (spins around): What?
N (snapping his fingers): Yeah, man. She fine.
S (looming): You talking about my sister? Don't.
N (pats the air): Naw, man. Don't worry, baby. I didn't say nothing to her.
S (backing off; reaches for his water): You better not.
N (grinning): But she sure is pretty.
S (looming again): Lay offa my sister, man.
N (holds one hand out, blocking): Okay, okay. But you gotta admit she's pretty.
S (grudging): Okay, yeah.
N (hand out for shake): That's all, man. Let's get on with the show! (Turns to audience) The Cheneys, America!
[Picture of happy Cheneys projected behind and above performers]
S (looking up at picture fondly): Where would we be without them!
N (looking at S): France? Tell me you didn't forget to buy the tickets...
S (glances at N, speaks loudly): Um. Seriously. The Vice-President and his wife. The Veep...
N (goes for high five): ...and the you-gotta-Weep!
S (ignores high five, waves vaguely at picture): C'mon, man. Show a little respect. That's the VP.
N (nodding): Yeah, poor guy.
S (jerks back): What? Whatta you mean?
N (still nodding): You said he had VD.
S (walks toward front of stage): I did not.
N (grins slyly at audience): But, damn, what else would you call Lynne?
S (shaking head): Dude, that ain't right. Not right at all.
N (points at picture): If that ain't right...
N and S (together): ...what's left?!
S (serious, turns toward audience): So, how are we gonna do this?
N (still staring at picture): Do this? You mean the show?
S (makes air quotes): Yeah, man. "The Show".
N (looks at S): What's the topic again?
S (exasperated): You are so dumb, man. The fucking Cheneys!
N (turns fully toward audience, winks, nudges S): We saw that show in Tijuana or somewhere. Man, remember the chick with the dildo...
S (shoves back): Goddammit! Our show is about the Cheneys! You know: the Vice-President and his wife.
N (regains balance, shakes head): If those freaks were a vice precedent, then I am done, man. That's it, call me Christian and read me Revelation, 'cause my world is so over. I'll never have kinky sex again.
S (pounds fist in hand): Pay attention, man! I'm talking about Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne.
N (jerks head up, annoyed): Shit, so am I. What's your problem?
S (appealing to someone offstage): What am I supposed to do with this guy? (Turns to N) What do you wanna do?
N (spreads hands): So, we're gonna do the show aren't we? We're gonna do the Cheneys?
S (pouncing): Ha! Only as long as I get Dick.
N (rolls eyes, mugs at audience): Dude, you already get more dick than I do.
S (exasperated again): The Cheneys.
N (focused): Oh, yeah. The Cheneys. Dude, I mean what a country.
S (focused): Yeah, pretty much everything about them is queer.
N (nods head, serious): Which explains their daughter.
S (exasperated): Get a grip, man. We got a show to do.
N (smiles, grins): So let's do the dozens.
S (nods): The dozens is good.
N (jumps up): We'll do a dozen dozens!
S (smiling, sing-songs): It's snappy. It's quick!
N (bouncing): We can lick that Dick!
S (makes face): Do that on your own time, man.
N (nods once): Shit, let's do this thing! You first.
S (thinking): Okay, okay. Your Vice-President is so authoritarian he still cuts his whiskers with Burma Shave!
N (snaps fingers): Way back, man! Not bad, not bad.
S (with a satisfied smile): Your turn. Get on it.
N (thoughtful): All right. I got one.
S (grins): So spill.
N (looks at audience out of the corner of his eye): Your VP is so corrupt he installed a drive through deposit at Blair House.
S (disgusted): Naw. That ain't funny. He's so corrupt he's got his own Transparency International listing.
N (bopping his head): He's so corrupt Nigerians now call the 419 scam a "Dick Cheney".
S (pumps fist): That's cold, man.
N (rolls eyes back in head): I ain't done yet. Check this out: your Momma's so ugly she could scare Gotti straight.
S (sits down on stool): Dude! My mother? What's up with that?
N (eyes come down and lock on S): But even your Momma's not ugly enough to scare Dick straight!
S (sags): Oh, right. Good one, I guess.
N (petulant): Well, fuck you, man.
S (surprised): What? You know that was lame.
N (nastily): Dude, not even your pretty, pretty sister could make Dick go straight.
S (reaches out, whaps N upside head): I said leave my sister out of this!
N (remembering): Hey, speaking of Blair, I heard Lynne Cheney got their lawyer to sue Tony Blair for royalties.
S (curious): Really? Doesn't Tony's name go back far enough? Which Blair was first?
N (scuffs floor with foot): Well, it's sort of a chickenhawk and the egg problem.
S (chuckling): Oh, man. You are reaching today.
N (raises eyebrows): Got a better one?
S (staring into space): Yeah, yeah I do.
N (braces self): Hit me.
S (sly): Lynne Cheney is so dumb she thinks "primer" means "whitewash".
N (rolls eyes, waves hand over head): Too high, man, too high. Only the folks up in the balcony caught that one.
S (shaking head vigorously, wagging finger in N's face): Dude, that's brilliant. That is class. Those people out there appreciate me. (Stands up, turns to audience) Don't you?
[Crickets chirp]
N (grinning): You're trying too hard. Let me show you.
S (cautious): I'm watching.
N (beating time with hand on his thigh): Lynne is so dumb she read Derrida in French.
S (confused): Um, that's not dumb.
N (throws head back): Oh, dude, it so is.
S (high fives N): Yeah, baby!
N (still happy): Okay, nail it one more time!
S (turns to audience, raises hands): Yeah, I got one for all you Americans out there!
[Crowd cheers]
S (drawling) : Dick Cheney, your VP, is so heartless he "blanks" New York!
N (excited): Yes! He "blanks" puppies!
S (immediately): He "blanks" horses!
N (going overboard): He so fucking "blanks" the motherfucking Statue of Liberty, man!
S (taken aback): Um, dude, you kind of lost the thread there.
N (coming back to earth): Yeah, man. Sorry.
S (looks at watch): You got anymore?
N (nods): All right, man. I got one for you. One last good one.
S (gestures at the audience): Well, then...
N (up on his toes): You seen that Lynne? She ugly.
S (wary): How ugly?
N (satisfied): A baboon, man.
S (confused): A baboon? That's not funny. What kind of baboon?
N (grinning like a monkey): Red, white, and blue assed!
S (laying it out): Dude, that ain't her ass. That's just the flag she's been wiping with.
N (shaking head sadly): Shit, no lie.
N (jerks up head and looks stage right): And I think we're out of time. I can hear the stormtroopers kicking down the stage door.
S and N (exiting stage left): Thank you! You're all great! We won't be here any other nights, so we hope you enjoyed it! Peace out!
Posted by Martial