Austin Burt, a biologist at Imperial College (London), has modelled a method for the eradication of the malaria carrying mosquito. By introducing a "selfish gene" (homing endonuclease genes, or HEG) that carries a lethal defect into the genome of the mosquito, his model shows that - if done right - the species could be eradicated within a year.
" Many malaria experts ... agree that neither humans nor other creatures would miss A. gambiae. The mosquito is neither a significant pollinator nor a critical, reliable food source. 'I doubt there'd be significant ecological consequences,' says mosquito expert Frank Collins of Notre Dame University. "
While reducing the incidence of malaria and saving the one million people who will die from the disease every year would be wonderful, comments like the above worry me. Simply, no one knows what the ecological consequences would be and our lack of knowledge about that is so profound as to preclude glib assurances. If we can control one pest so radically (and perfectly), there will be requests - or even demands - to destroy others.
I need to think about this. So do you.
Arts & Letters Daily does its level best to suck you in with just a line. Given my Easter post and the extremely long comment I appended to it, this was guaranteed to gather my attention:
" Malcolm Muggeridge loved the very inconsistencies of his religion: 'faith must be based on doubt.' "
On the other side of the link I found Christopher Hitchens reviewing a new biography of Mr Muggeridge in the Weekly Standard, including this exceptionally elegant description of twentieth century life, " For the first four or even five decades of his life, he could scarcely tell his alienation from his anomie. "
Less pleasantly, I also found an all too common canard that was very nearly paired with its historical refutation.
" Satirizing [the Manchester Guardian (and other such newspapers) and its hypocrisy] in his first novel, Picture Palace, he made the valuable discovery that there is no intolerance like liberal intolerance. (The paper's owners took harsh legal steps to ensure that the novel was suppressed.) "
Just two paragraphs later we learn that Mr Muggeridge held anti-Semitic views (which he gave vent to in a 1934 novel, as well as the better known outbursts "in his dotage"). I think it is fair to say that I far prefer a certain liberal intolerance, one where the courts are called into play to publicly comment on it, than a racist one. Considering that that particular racism was part of a distinctly memorable fascist intolerance, one where the courts were rarely troubled, a sharper editor, or Mr Hitchens himself, could have - indeed, should have - drawn back from this particular rhetorical scoring of points. In fact, I am waving off the goal and sending Mr Hitchens to the penalty box, two minutes for high-sticking.
A study I'll have to track down in order to give it an appropriate citation has shown that the countries most likely to go to war, especially civil war, are those that have most recently been in one. The post-conflict challenge is to minimize flare-ups of violence. Too many and the violence can become widespread and ongoing.
Occupiers are caught in a strange, and unhappy, position. They fill the position of power left empty by having ousted the previous regime. They find themselves responsible - and held responsible - for the exercise (or lack thereof) of that power. You can be damned for doing too much, and damned for doing too little, until you are convinced that the country is populated by devils and that it is hell on earth.
In a valuable article, Neil Swidey looks at "Tipping Points - how military occupations go sour" in this week's Boston Globe Ideas.
" In nearly every occupation, there is a tipping point-a defining incident that crystallizes the popular reception of the occupier. ... A tipping point is a concept drawn from epidemiology, where it describes the moment at which an infectious disease becomes a public health crisis. The idea is that small changes will have little or no effect on a system until a critical mass is reached. Then just one additional small change ''tips'' the system, producing dramatic consequences. "
Tipping points, or "flashpoints" as they are often called in conflict studies, do not carve out destiny in stone. But they do change - and limit - the options for future action.
Everybody seems to have shouted and frothed their disapproval of the Affleck and JLo remake of Casablanca. Well, if everybody thinks this is such a bad idea why is it still happening?
Or, as Mrs Martial asked, "There's not a single writer who can come up with a timeless story about now?" She then cursed foully for the next eight minutes straight.
How closely will they hue to the script? Will the Marseillaise still be used as the symbol of a free world fighting fascism? OK, it'll be all right if they just change the name of the bar to "Dicks".
And of course so do we. They, however, offer three-hundred reasons, though the last part of #37 would have been enough for me: the Archbishop of Canterbury felt compelled to comment - because he's a fan. When the story of our era is read by the future, no one will believe a single word.
(via painpill)
Insolvent Republic of Blogistan calls 'em like he sees 'em:
" Gawd, we're the goofiest imperialist colonialist superpower ever; what previous superpower just wanted to be liked? That's not in Machiavelli. If you want to understand the American version of power, you better read Peanuts when you're reading your Machiavelli. "
Yesterday (well, early this morning...) I pretty much buried this post from Long story; short pier. It's about media consolidation and, yes, why that's a bad thing; it's about half a dozen other items of interest too. Kip is funny like that, riffing and riffing and adding layers of meaning and just writing and writing and writing until he skids past his point but then he turns around and goes back to pick it up, like all the hotrodders do at the end of the movie, stopping and letting Sandy hop in the car before peeling out and heading toward the sunset - or Dead Man's Curve. He'd be on my blogroll if I didn't already have two of the Portland Pixelators over there. I'm trying to keep the wealth spread . . .
<reverence title="damn!">There is this group of people, who all know each other, and who all blog - and they even all blog well! What is up with that? Man, none of my friends blog. Head on over to Alas, A Blog and check out the list of "Blogs by real-life pals". </reverence title="damn!">
And today I stumbled on this set of outtakes from Jesse Walker's history of alternative radio, Rebels On the Air.
Beware, says Sarah Bryan Miller . . .
" [O]nce you develop a taste for the good stuff, whether in art, music, literature or cognac, it's hard to go back. If giving a damn makes me an 'elitist,' then so be it. "
I give a damn. Oh, I give a damn (and that "damn" is expensive...). And I respect experts in their area of expertise - right up to the point where they say something blindingly stupid. To beat out a sensuous and staccato rhythm once more upon the hide of a long dead horse, Theodor Adorno has many interesting musing on modern and classical music, as well as fascinating discussions about popular culture. Adorno likewise has many truly foolish, dumb, and downright racist things to say about jazz.
Meanwhile, back in St Louis...
" Obscenity-riddled recitations, imposed over rhythm tracks, are reckoned to be music. " Sometimes they are so reckoned, Sarah Bryan Miller. Sometimes those recitations and rhythms are reckoned to be art. I'd suggest that " a few hours invested in understanding what one is to see or hear at a performance can yield rewarding results. "
We need to reserve the pejorative sense of the word "elitist" because sometimes no other word is quite equal to our contempt for laziness.
UPDATE: Slightly edited for clarity of quote attribution.
Via Invisible Adjunct, I've now read the current (blogosphere) state of the art on anonymity. She kicks off with Amitai Etzioni's recent note on the topic, and I'm going to quote her quoting him to get me started:
" Anonymity, Etzioni writes, 'makes for much poorer conversations, meager relationships and impoverished communities. People are free to disregard the feelings of others, to deceive, and to prevent the formation of the true connections that result from gradually getting to know more and more about a person.' And 'above all,' he adds, 'they are able to avoid assuming responsibility for what they are saying.' "
I just don't get this criticism. I've been on-line in some form or another since 1989. When I've wanted to get to know someone better, I have; when I've wanted to hold someone accountable, I have (and been held accountable too). I invited an on-line friend to my wedding not knowing what his "real" name was, but he was, and is, one of my best friends (he came to the wedding, there was no doubt that he was my previously "anonymous" friend, we had a ball). I, using a pseudonym, was invited by another on-line friend to his daughter's third birthday party when I mentioned that I'd be in his city (I went, there was no doubt that I was who I said I was, we had a ball). The criticism is a non-starter - if anonymity is the real issue.
I can't help but see this as an attempt by the credentialed and self-important to shut the rest of us up. As far as I can tell it's all about being able to pigeonhole people and to prejudge whether or not they are worth reading/listening to. If it threatens people with "expertise" that any idiot - or genius - has a potentially equal platform with them, then the reasonable outcome should be that they just have to write better and more lucidly and make damn sure they get their facts right. So, I'm not a sociologist. So what. But maybe I still know a thing or two, and now so do my six readers. Why Mr Etzioni, with all his laurels and honors, feels threatened by pseudonymous me, I'll never know, but it seems to me that only authority is served by insisting on personal transparency.
Perhaps Mr Etzioni is just annoyed that people can call him names, or troll, or maybe can just call him on his shit (though this example, of course, is by a colleague). I'd suggest a walk, out among the millions of people who don't know him from Adam. You know the ones, out there actually participating in a community - without knowing the names, or even the jobs or marital status or religions or ancestry, of nearly everyone they interact with. I'm thinking of the nice lady at the bakery whose smile lights up the room, and my day, when she looks up and sees me. We've never spoken beyond what flavor croissant or scone I want, but we share an interest in our community. I'm thinking about the all the people at my bus stop with whom I share only a "good morning" and a brief daily discourse on the weather. I'm thinking of the guy who makes pizza around the corner, but who I see all over town. We always smile and wave and he never fails to ask about "that girl" he occasionally sees me with. That community of mine, that group of people whose lives interact and touch upon mine in the most direct of ways, is, according to the Communitarian Network, experiencing "a breakdown in the moral fabric of society". As far as I can tell, the breakdown is occurring a little higher up in the food chain; down here, where most of the people live, we're mostly doing right by one another.
In working with organizations doing peacework I have encountered time and again the idea of "reconciliation", an airing of grievance and an acceptance of repentance and then acts of forgiveness. Reconciliation is community work, involving everybody and getting them to really think about their responsibilities. And most people don't have time for that; they cannot spend all day in a conference room or sitting under a tree coming to terms with the past and figuring out how to live in the future. They have to work for a living and, for the most part, just want to get on with it. What people really want is "functional harmony", where the systems around us and through which we live work well enough to keep us alive and relatively secure. I don't have to know anything about my grocer, and I certainly don't have to be reconciled with him. As long as he sells me potatoes and eggs for a reasonable price my life is just fine, thanks.
Kip at Long story; short pier has a recent long-long piece, half of it a new introduction to the other which is an old piece from his days as a journalist, on radio consolidation and pirate responses - including another type of anonymity being used explicitly in the service of ideas of community.
Speaking for myself, I make a distinction between "anonymous" and "pseudonymous" and I am the latter. I do it because it amuses me - and anyone who wants to know "who" I am can just come to Boston and buy me a beer. As for "getting to know" me, a simple e-mail will get the ball rolling.
Really, this whole discussion is absurd: knowing what set of phonemes and their symbols my mother - and the government - uses to represent me tells you nothing. Damn, if you had that you could look me up in the phone book and, disregarding my feelings, crank call.
by Ralph Waldo Emerson
By the rude bridge that arched the flood.
Their flag to April's breeze unfurled,
Here once the embattled farmers stood
And fired the shot heard round the world.
The foe long since in silence slept;
Alike the conqueror silent sleeps;
And Time the ruined bridge has swept
Down the dark stream which seaward creeps.
On this green bank, by this soft stream,
We set to-day a votive stone;
That memory may their deed redeem,
When, like our sires, are sons are gone.
Spirit, that made those heros dare
To die and leave their children free,
Bid Time and Nature gently spare
The shaft we raise to them and thee.
It is a holiday in Massachusetts today, for we celebrate the day upon which the first shots were fired in the War of Independence.
The Boston Globe reflects on the meaning of this day in an editorial "True Patriotism".
" It is a day for celebrating patriots, and looking back, we think we see them so clearly -- Sam Adams, Paul Revere, George Washington, Patrick Henry, Thomas Paine, Ben Franklin, to name a few. Unquestionable historical heroes -- now. But in their time they were considered renegades and decidedly unpatriotic to their country, England. Something to ponder as hundreds of American flags wave the runners along the Boston Marathon route and patriotism past and present seems easy. A person may think: Today we're all patriots just the way we're all Irish on St. Patrick's Day.But what does it mean to be a patriot in 2003? The question remains as complex as it was for people fomenting the Revolutionary War. And over the past year Americans have seen war once again divide people and cause them to question loyalty to country.
...
Maybe it's overused -- or, more to the point, underconsidered. Today is a good time to do that and to remember that passion for one's country -- anger as well as love -- means that the electorate is healthy. Disagreeing fiercely in war or peace while uniting on the right to disagree is the best kind of patriotism. "
Autobiographical Note
I spring from a line of righteous preachers of the Gospel on one side, and incessantly questioning Jews on the other. The preachers have been god-fearing, men for whom God's law trumps man's every time, and for whom true justice is meted out in heaven. They have been men for whom the Gospel is a plan for social action and a revolution against any status quo that would deny the equality of all men, women, and children. The Jews before me have not been rabbis, but rather those relentless questioners of everything who force rabbis to earn their position - and perhaps tear their hair out. My ancestors have been proudly heir to Job and they crossed half the world to be able ask their questions and live to find the answers.
The blood of a hundred generations of the holy and the wondering run in my veins. And, so, I find myself knowing a little something about faith.
Faith and the Fear of Death
What is faith? Not mere belief; any idiot can believe six impossible things standing in the line in the grocery store. No, real faith is an oasis, a near inexhaustible well: the thirsty are quenched and the tired reinvigorated, the forlorn are comforted and the lost are no longer alone. It is a power to build up cathedrals and to fill them with glorious music, and a voice to preach deep contempt, darkest hatred, and destruction. Faith is a power to move mountains, not just men - and to move the mountain whether it will or no.
There is one thing that marks the truly faithful more than anything else. It is not good works, and it is not compassion. It is not charisma, nor is it intolerance. It is not confidence (certainly not!) or the overcoming of doubt.
It is simply this: the faithful have no fear of death.
And this is not because they believe in a heaven, in "another" life after this one (many faiths, such as patriotism, offer no personal afterlife at all; the social component should not, however, be underestimated). No, the promise of eternity is not at all a comfort to a genuinely faithful person. But the faithful have the sure knowledge that something larger than themselves exists and takes a hand in this world. Whatever happens, it will be for the best. And the death - or life - of one person of faith is, ultimately, nothing. And, of course, everything.
The Cross
The fear of death is the beginning of slavery. Any threat can control you once you decide that your life - or any life, or even "life" in general - is necessary or important or meaningful or even, perhaps, pointless. Walls enclose you, chains bind you, and barriers block you from the future.
But those who have perfect faith have complete freedom of action. Nothing binds them. They are more powerful than any bomb. They strike fear into the very heart of the Empire. Such men and women are dangerous.
I am reminded of my grandmother, wife of a preacher, and how she would discuss her evolution from housewife to activist. She would speak of her devotion to civil rights and her fight against Jim Crow, and she would mention her faith as an important part of the struggle. She would always end these comments by reminding her grandchildren, "I did it because it was right. And of course, if you do it because it is right, it means the cross."
If you can step forward and, in the Christian idiom, accept the cross, you are free.
There might be a few chemical and biological weapons in Iraq. There might be a lot. We do not yet know. If the weapons are there, they are clearly well-hidden. This might turn out to be a very good thing, as the weapons will be difficult for anyone to find - including terrorists.
One disturbing trend, however, is the suggestion that the bulk of Iraq's "WMDs" have been spirited across the border to Syria. While this theme has not yet been developed to a fever pitch, the idea is being incubated.
I've mentioned before that in order to transport weapons of any sort, or anything really, you need trucks and you need roads. If a lot of weapons were transported to Syria, then there would have been a significant amount of activity along the roads heading into Syria, and in particular, along a lonely highway.
Trucks moving along a road through a desert cannot hide from a satellite. Iraq over the past eighteen months must be one of the most studied places on the face of the earth. Every wrinkle in the landscape, every drifting sand dune and every twist in the Tigris, have been imprinted on the brains of several analysts. Those poor bastards dream about Iraq's landscape now. If they somehow missed the convoys of weapons...
Well, either we ought to fire our analysts or else fire their bosses for making shit up.
There was quite a bit of concern about the street fighting that US troops would encounter as they made their way into Baghdad and other cities in Iraq. It was a pleasant surprise to find that the expected house-to-house battles were not forthcoming.
However, it has now become clear that in fact there has been fighting in the streets. But the potential fighters have not been foolish enough to target the Americans, a proposition that would likely result in death or injury for the attackers. Instead, the "fighters" went after much easier - and far more lucrative - targets: hospitals, museums, government offices, etc.
Despite repeated protestations that this war is not about America, but rather about Saddam and the Iraqis, we persist in seeing everything through the lens of ourselves. If our soldiers are not attacked, then there is no fighting in the streets.
Didn't Congress pass a big tax break? Then why does everybody I know have to pay more this year? Maybe it's the Blue State penalty.
Wait 'til you see your bill next year . . .
Kevin's 'toon this week is lovely.
Go give your mother a hug!
Iraqis have not reacted to this war in any consistent fashion (while seemingly locally consistent, there has not been any sort of constant national reaction to the war). The nature of the response by Iraqis to the coalition troops has been different from city to city and from town to town. In some places the troops were welcomed with smiles, in others they were met with sullen glares, in still others demands were made for assistance. And surely, in some places, the troops were met with all three.
When I hear of such differences it makes me wonder. What is "Iraq"? What is an "Iraqi"? What are the many definitions which go into those broad categories, definitions which will play out in one way or another (sometimes, unfortunately, violently) over the next few years? Where are the cleavages and demarcations? Where are the agreements and unifiers? When we begin to answer these questions, we will begin to know how to work with the people of Iraq.
"The toppling of the massive statue of Saddam Hussein from its pedestal in the center of Baghdad on Wednesday was a tremendously satisfying spectacle ... " - Luc Sante, The Boston Globe, "Ideas Section"
I've always felt one of the "canaries" for tyranny was the erection of statues of the still living, turning a flesh-and-blood person into a brazen icon and offering an illusion of eternal benevolence or severity. And, of course, suggesting that our beloved leader would exercise eternal rule.
Among the many reasons to love Boston is Community Boating.
For a small membership fee, you can sail on the Charles River all summer. They offer classes to sailors at all skill levels (the classes are part of your membership), and the "old timers" will take you out and show you the ropes. If you live in the Boston area, you owe it to yourself to join.
The sailing today was beautiful, with a gentle and not-too-shifty breeze. And because of where we live, my wife and I often head out for an hour of sailing after work (Mrs Martial is dedicated: she goes almost every day).
Sailing For All!
This paragraph from a Fred Kaplan article in Slate crystallized a question or two:
" We may never know how much special ops have been doing in Gulf War II. Certainly, these forces were in the Iraqi capital days or weeks before the war began, scoping out targets and lining up contacts. They were in the western deserts again, hunting Scuds and preparing airfields. They were in the north, training Kurds and securing oil fields. They were probably accompanying, and perhaps advancing, the 3rd Infantry and 1st Marine divisions all the way from Kuwait to Baghdad, scouting targets and transmitting their positions to the air commanders back at headquarters. "
We know that special ops forces have played a large role and we know that they have been operating in Baghdad. Were they in Basra (and Umm Qasr) too? If not, is that possibly a factor in why Basra - and the rest of the south - has been so much more difficult than Baghdad?
The next question then is: what did the SOs do in Baghdad that contributed to the lack of resistance? I want to know more about the "lining up contacts" and just what role those contacts played. If the "contacts" had an influence locally, what are they are doing now about the civil unrest?
Overheard on a street in Cambridge...
Two "little old ladies", Cambridge style, with their iron grey hair, nice boots, and ratty old jackets were striding along the brick in front of me. As I passed, one said, "I'm going to the toxic waste dump tomorrow! It's toxic-waste day, you know."
And I thought: this is how my kids are going to remember their grandmother, a morning at the toxic-waste dump with her.
How ... how twenty-first century! Along with our hovercrafts and our jet-packs, our breathing masks and our 200SPF sunscreen, our rows of gleaming computers and our wall-sized televisions, we also have "toxic-waste days". What do you suppose Rachel Carson would have had to say about that?
" We believe your very public criticism of President Bush at this important -- and sensitive -- time in our nation's history helps undermine the U.S. position, which ultimately could put our troops in even more danger. " - Baseball Hall of Fame President, Dale Petroskey, criticizing a couple of actors and cancelling a celebration of a movie.
Wow, it's really a shame that Sarandon and Robbins had to ruin it for everybody, with their loose lips making sure that this war would just go on and on and on...
(Via Eschaton)
" The 'everything changed' argument ... boils down to 'everything we were always for turns out to be right - and if you don't agree then you're not serious about 9/11'. "
(emphasis and slight editing mine)
Looting?
I keep hearing this word, but when the only pictures I see are people "stealing" the ill-gotten gains of their erstwhile masters, I might prefer the word "redistribution".
(Yes, I have heard that hospitals are among the targets of looting. In a country where health care is a government service, hospitals are also government buildings.)
From George Cotkin's Existential America:
" To write, to act, to create, and to rebel after a century of totalitarianism and mass destruction, and in the face of new challenges, is to engage in existential transcendence, to erect a sculpture of human possibility, albeit out of the ashes of despair. "
A noble ideal. But - existential transcendence?
My good friend, Wolfgang Heinrich, kidnapped two weeks ago in Manipur, has been released! I have no other information at this time, but I'll update as I learn.
Good news! It's a beautiful day - even if it is snowing again.
UPDATE: Reader Tony sent me this link to a story about Wolfgang's release. Thanks, Tony!
Slate's Rob Walker and especially Lucian James are looking into the branding in pop songs. Turns out Mercedes is number one in overdrive.
This record isn't included in the methodology, but I'd like to add another Benz to the list - and a bit of social commentary too:
" I'm callin' all my ladies / We're gonna key your Mercedes "
"It's On the Rocks", Spend the Night, The Donnas (one line review: Good - not great - summer power-pop)
Not painpill, that's for sure. After all, despite studying comparative literature and Russian, he's made my blogroll!
Could the fact that my wife also studies comparative literature and Russian account for this generosity on my part? Or is that Mr Goyette bailed on a career in those disciplines, thus increasing my wife's odds of finding a job? Perhaps it's the sharp mind and wide range? Perhaps it's the Windy City connection?
Whatever it is, welcome painpill to the blogroll.
This is the first internet war.
Everybody says so. But what, exactly, does that mean?
The war is two weeks old. We've gone from euphoria to horror, from the perfect plan perfectly executed to uncertainty and discussions of defeat, from cakewalk to quagmire. And none of that happened on the ground. It happened on our 24/7 channels and all over our sticky web, any rumor and every story fed instantaneously from eyeball to eyeball, web-site to web-site, made-up mind to ever more confused mind.
More information, presented in more ways, and while pockets of info might be planned or planted, scripted or censored, no one has any control over the gestalt. There is no control.
Welcome, one and all, to the first unedited war. I pity the historians.
I like this theory of Dave Trowbridge's:
You're driving down a long and dusty road, trying to get away from some place bad or just trying to go somewhere better, trying to live out your dreams or maybe just trying to live your simple life free and unafraid. The hills you're winding around are just growing green in spring's first blush, the new growth reinforcing your resolve to move on, to find a place where no one knows you and what you've done, where you can start again.
You swing around a curve and there, planted in the middle of the road, is a tank. Around it move dirty young men in a uniform you've only seen on television. Heads jerk around when they hear your engine. Guns jerk up and begin to bark.
. . .
Except for the very last word of the above, I've had that experience. It is not pleasant. If your driver panics, you are dead. If the soldiers panic, you are dead. If the soldiers are in a bad mood, you're dead.
There are twenty-four million people in Iraq. Some of them are going to be, from the perspective of scared, brave, exhausted, heartbreakingly beautiful, so very young Americans, on the wrong road at the wrong time. But it's still their country and there are no wrong roads, only roads not taken that could have made all the difference.
Orcinus is as scary a record of everyday America as you can find anywhere. Dave Neiwert chills the blood with his true tales about the back roads of America's psyche. This blog should be served with a hefty slug of whiskey just to keep the nightmares down. Essential.
Mr Neiwert also offers options, and this one deserves as wide a dissemination as possible.
UPDATE: Emphasis added at Dave Trowbridge's righteous suggestion.
Ezra Klein - Indeed suggests we let our readers know what is Now Playing (NP) while we blog.
NP: XTC, English Settlement
Specifically, I'm listening to "Melt the Guns" (lyrics below).
(Via Downward Facing Blog)
Melt the Guns
Programmes of violence,
As entertainment,
Brings the disease into your room.
We know the germ,
Which is man-made in metal,
Is really a key to your own tomb.
Prevention is better than cure,
Bad apples affecting the pure,
You'll gather your senses I'm sure
Then agree to,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more to fire them.
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more desire them.
Children will want them,
Mothers supply them,
As long as your killers are heroes.
And all the media
Will fiddle while Rome burns,
Acting like modern-time Neros.
Prevention is better than cure,
Bad apples affecting the pure,
You'll gather your senses I'm sure
Then agree to,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more to fire them.
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more desire them.
I'm speaking to the Justice League of America.
The U S of A,
Hey you,
Yes you in particular!
When it comes to the judgement day and you're standing at the gates with your weaponry,
You dead go down on one knee,
Clasp your hands in prayer and start quoting me,
'Cos we say...
Our father we've managed to contain the epidemic in one place, now,
Let's hope they shoot themselves instead of others,
Help to civilize the race now.
We've trapped the cause of the plague,
In the land of the free and the home of the brave.
If we listen quietly we can hear them shooting from grave to grave.
You ought to,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more to fire them.
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
Melt the guns,
And never more desire them.
Neal Pollack declares, and I've never been one to lie back and let sensibilities go unpunished. Thus, National Make Fun of the Cheneys Day!
Dude, that's like dynamiting fish. Give me a hard one. Maybe something like Mocking Pseudonymous Bloggers for Their Tendentious Prose Styles Day. Now that is a Day I could get behind. Man, I can do rock-solid Tacitus , and you should see my Demosthenes: you'd think the shadow had fallen on you! And my "Glenn Reynolds" is brilliant, man. Let me give you a taste: Sounds about right. Indeed.
Damn, I'm hot! Read on, Horatio...
S and N (running on stage, each carrying a stool): Thank you! Thank you!
S (waving): It is really great to see you all here tonight. Thanks so much for coming. (nodding at the front row; pointing) You too, baby, yeah.
N (sips water, puts it down): Hey, Straight, saw your sister backstage.
S (spins around): What?
N (snapping his fingers): Yeah, man. She fine.
S (looming): You talking about my sister? Don't.
N (pats the air): Naw, man. Don't worry, baby. I didn't say nothing to her.
S (backing off; reaches for his water): You better not.
N (grinning): But she sure is pretty.
S (looming again): Lay offa my sister, man.
N (holds one hand out, blocking): Okay, okay. But you gotta admit she's pretty.
S (grudging): Okay, yeah.
N (hand out for shake): That's all, man. Let's get on with the show! (Turns to audience) The Cheneys, America!
[Picture of happy Cheneys projected behind and above performers]
S (looking up at picture fondly): Where would we be without them!
N (looking at S): France? Tell me you didn't forget to buy the tickets...
S (glances at N, speaks loudly): Um. Seriously. The Vice-President and his wife. The Veep...
N (goes for high five): ...and the you-gotta-Weep!
S (ignores high five, waves vaguely at picture): C'mon, man. Show a little respect. That's the VP.
N (nodding): Yeah, poor guy.
S (jerks back): What? Whatta you mean?
N (still nodding): You said he had VD.
S (walks toward front of stage): I did not.
N (grins slyly at audience): But, damn, what else would you call Lynne?
S (shaking head): Dude, that ain't right. Not right at all.
N (points at picture): If that ain't right...
N and S (together): ...what's left?!
S (serious, turns toward audience): So, how are we gonna do this?
N (still staring at picture): Do this? You mean the show?
S (makes air quotes): Yeah, man. "The Show".
N (looks at S): What's the topic again?
S (exasperated): You are so dumb, man. The fucking Cheneys!
N (turns fully toward audience, winks, nudges S): We saw that show in Tijuana or somewhere. Man, remember the chick with the dildo...
S (shoves back): Goddammit! Our show is about the Cheneys! You know: the Vice-President and his wife.
N (regains balance, shakes head): If those freaks were a vice precedent, then I am done, man. That's it, call me Christian and read me Revelation, 'cause my world is so over. I'll never have kinky sex again.
S (pounds fist in hand): Pay attention, man! I'm talking about Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne.
N (jerks head up, annoyed): Shit, so am I. What's your problem?
S (appealing to someone offstage): What am I supposed to do with this guy? (Turns to N) What do you wanna do?
N (spreads hands): So, we're gonna do the show aren't we? We're gonna do the Cheneys?
S (pouncing): Ha! Only as long as I get Dick.
N (rolls eyes, mugs at audience): Dude, you already get more dick than I do.
S (exasperated again): The Cheneys.
N (focused): Oh, yeah. The Cheneys. Dude, I mean what a country.
S (focused): Yeah, pretty much everything about them is queer.
N (nods head, serious): Which explains their daughter.
S (exasperated): Get a grip, man. We got a show to do.
N (smiles, grins): So let's do the dozens.
S (nods): The dozens is good.
N (jumps up): We'll do a dozen dozens!
S (smiling, sing-songs): It's snappy. It's quick!
N (bouncing): We can lick that Dick!
S (makes face): Do that on your own time, man.
N (nods once): Shit, let's do this thing! You first.
S (thinking): Okay, okay. Your Vice-President is so authoritarian he still cuts his whiskers with Burma Shave!
N (snaps fingers): Way back, man! Not bad, not bad.
S (with a satisfied smile): Your turn. Get on it.
N (thoughtful): All right. I got one.
S (grins): So spill.
N (looks at audience out of the corner of his eye): Your VP is so corrupt he installed a drive through deposit at Blair House.
S (disgusted): Naw. That ain't funny. He's so corrupt he's got his own Transparency International listing.
N (bopping his head): He's so corrupt Nigerians now call the 419 scam a "Dick Cheney".
S (pumps fist): That's cold, man.
N (rolls eyes back in head): I ain't done yet. Check this out: your Momma's so ugly she could scare Gotti straight.
S (sits down on stool): Dude! My mother? What's up with that?
N (eyes come down and lock on S): But even your Momma's not ugly enough to scare Dick straight!
S (sags): Oh, right. Good one, I guess.
N (petulant): Well, fuck you, man.
S (surprised): What? You know that was lame.
N (nastily): Dude, not even your pretty, pretty sister could make Dick go straight.
S (reaches out, whaps N upside head): I said leave my sister out of this!
N (remembering): Hey, speaking of Blair, I heard Lynne Cheney got their lawyer to sue Tony Blair for royalties.
S (curious): Really? Doesn't Tony's name go back far enough? Which Blair was first?
N (scuffs floor with foot): Well, it's sort of a chickenhawk and the egg problem.
S (chuckling): Oh, man. You are reaching today.
N (raises eyebrows): Got a better one?
S (staring into space): Yeah, yeah I do.
N (braces self): Hit me.
S (sly): Lynne Cheney is so dumb she thinks "primer" means "whitewash".
N (rolls eyes, waves hand over head): Too high, man, too high. Only the folks up in the balcony caught that one.
S (shaking head vigorously, wagging finger in N's face): Dude, that's brilliant. That is class. Those people out there appreciate me. (Stands up, turns to audience) Don't you?
[Crickets chirp]
N (grinning): You're trying too hard. Let me show you.
S (cautious): I'm watching.
N (beating time with hand on his thigh): Lynne is so dumb she read Derrida in French.
S (confused): Um, that's not dumb.
N (throws head back): Oh, dude, it so is.
S (high fives N): Yeah, baby!
N (still happy): Okay, nail it one more time!
S (turns to audience, raises hands): Yeah, I got one for all you Americans out there!
[Crowd cheers]
S (drawling) : Dick Cheney, your VP, is so heartless he "blanks" New York!
N (excited): Yes! He "blanks" puppies!
S (immediately): He "blanks" horses!
N (going overboard): He so fucking "blanks" the motherfucking Statue of Liberty, man!
S (taken aback): Um, dude, you kind of lost the thread there.
N (coming back to earth): Yeah, man. Sorry.
S (looks at watch): You got anymore?
N (nods): All right, man. I got one for you. One last good one.
S (gestures at the audience): Well, then...
N (up on his toes): You seen that Lynne? She ugly.
S (wary): How ugly?
N (satisfied): A baboon, man.
S (confused): A baboon? That's not funny. What kind of baboon?
N (grinning like a monkey): Red, white, and blue assed!
S (laying it out): Dude, that ain't her ass. That's just the flag she's been wiping with.
N (shaking head sadly): Shit, no lie.
N (jerks up head and looks stage right): And I think we're out of time. I can hear the stormtroopers kicking down the stage door.
S and N (exiting stage left): Thank you! You're all great! We won't be here any other nights, so we hope you enjoyed it! Peace out!
Do you find this funny?
SAVE THE CHILDREN ADOPTS US GOVERNMENT APPROACHFavoring the new programming design by President Bush, Save the Children will now bomb children after feeding them. The new fundraising campaign "Bombs with Biscuits" has already raised $300,000 in private donations, primarily from Texas & Florida. Other NGOs are leery of this mixing of destructive ordnance, killing & humanitarian aid, claiming that it might confuse the beneficiaries about the intentions of humanitarian NGOs; as a symbol of protest MSF closed all its programs in Westport Connecticut.
That's from today's Humanitarian Times, the April Fool's Issue. For some strange reason, they haven't put this on their web-site, so I've included the whole thing below.
This article, the above, is chuckle worthy, but the last line is what sent people in my office over the edge, howling and rolling on the floor. And that is how you know we're part of the humanitarian assistance subculture. I could explain, and you'd smile a little, but you probably don't have the years of context to provide the explosive gut reaction.
NEW EVIDENCE APPEARS OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION Iraqis & UN investigators, meeting in Syria yesterday, released new & controversial evidence they uncovered after the Iraqi army over-ran a US marine base in southern Iraq & found US computer databases. According to these files, the US military has been harboring nuclear weapons for decades, & even used nuclear weapon to destroy cities in Japan. Also in the database were suggestions that the US military had used chemical (napalm in Vietnam) & biological weapons (smallpox against native Americans in centuries past). In order to force the US to reveal where it is hiding its weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein called on a coalition of the willing, of neighboring Arab states & Europe to invade the US.
SUNDAY MORNING AL JAZEERA "MEET THE PRESS" interviewed Osama Ben Laden & Saddam Hussein this past weekend, discussing their thoughts on the current course of the war. Ben Laden felt that Iraqi Republic Guards were slowed down by mass casualties & criticized Iraqi leadership for having not gamed out the war in advance. In response to most questions Hussein just threatened neighboring countries. Later the 2 also appeared on Al Jazeera's "BookNotes" where compared their favorite aphorisms & stories from the lives of Poncho Villa, Mohamed Aideed & Che Guevara.
US AGENCY FOR INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT (USAID) PRIVATIZED under pressure from the World Bank and IMF, because of the US's economic downturn, the US Govt was forced to sell off the US Agency for International Development. Top bids came from CARE, SAIC, AT&T, Ronco & Haliburton. In the end USAID was sold to World Vision International, which will merge it into their World Vision US office in Seattle.
SAVE THE CHILDREN ADOPTS US GOVERNMENT APPROACH
Favoring the new programming design by President Bush, Save the Children will now bomb children after feeding them. The new fundraising campaign "Bombs with Biscuits" has already raised $300,000 in private donations, primarily from Texas & Florida. Other NGOs are leery of this mixing of destructive ordnance, killing & humanitarian aid, claiming that it might confuse the beneficiaries about the intentions of humanitarian NGOs; as a symbol of protest MSF closed all its programs in Westport Connecticut.
WORLD BANK CONSIDERS POISON-PILL:
After days of speculation that the World Bank was subject to a hostiletakeover from Microsoft, the World Bank Board are debating acquiring enormous debt, in the form of accepting an unprecedented loan of $200B from the IMF. When asked about takeover moves, Bill Gates hedged on Microsoft's intentions, "we have been looking at the idea & it's true that we're crunching a few numbers to see if we could fund the World Bank out of operating expenses." According to analysts within the World Bank, Microsoft has been shopping for global ventures, including General Electric, the Pacific Ocean, the British Commonwealth, or the Caribbean.
AFGHAN FARMERS USE MICROFINANCE TO STREAMLINE OPERATIONS:
Using small-enterprise business models, Afghan farm cooperatives have pioneered a successful partnership with relief agencies, consolidating their joint logistics network. The trucks that bring food into Afghanistan now carry opium out of Afghanistan on the back-leg. Overall cost savings have already been passed on in the form of lower retail price of heroin in the US & Europe.
US BOMBERS ACCIDENTALLY DESTROY MEDIUM SIZE CITY in northern Afghanistan. Pentagon spokesperson explained that it was a technical error, that "our boys had no intention of hitting that city; they were aiming for an ICRC warehouse, but had been given wrong coordinates." A recent RAND report confirms that out of 25 bombing missions meant to hit a Red Cross warehouse, only 3 have hit their targets accurately, a missile precision rate of only 12%.
NEW CONGRESS OF AFGHAN'S REGIONAL RULERS EYES WARCRIMES COURT Borrowing from the lessons of Cambodia, a new "former-Taliban, current warlords" Congress has been created, the purpose of which is to arrest & put on trial 3 or 4 token, very elderly, former Taliban, no-longer in power leaders. According to the plan, the joint UN/Afghanistan war crimes tribunal will require 10+ years of debate between the Congress & the UN, in order to ensure that anyone who might be tried has died natural deaths first.
USG APPROVES EXTRA EMERGENCY FUNDING FOR NGOs OF $35,0000:
Because of the war with Iraq & other simultaneous emergencies, the US Administration agreed to ask Congress for a new special supplemental appropriation of thirty-five thousand dollars, with which to meet the famine, disaster & refugee needs around the world; this line item will be attached to a bill appropriating an extra 10 trillion dollars to the US military.
MILITARY ANALYST RICHARD PERLE FORCED TO RESIGN GOVT POSITION last week after it was learned he mis-used his authority in the military (where he was the architect of the Iraq invasion), to sell secrets to China & to hardwire lucrative contracts to a company he also works with, Global Crossings. Perle denied any conflict of interest.
HALIBURTON COMPANY BOUGHT IRAQ YESTERDAY IN SURPRIZE MOVE which caught many multinationals off guard because they were not aware that the USG was considering to sell Iraq. The US Vice President's office issued the unusual announcement, saying that it was a last-minute decision to react to popular will around the world that the USG not be seen to be running Iraq. White House legal advisers argued that the US had firm legal precedence ("The US sold the Philippines, Cuba & Panama, why not Iraq?"). The terms of the sale were not released but it is believed that Haliburton promised the USG $50B future cash, several future staff swaps & gift certificates for future nuclear secrets. Haliburton will now be responsible for the governance, management & liquidation of any Iraq assets. Haliburton will administer Iraqi reconstruction contracts that had been pre-bid during the last month by the USG. Haliburton will manage numerous sub-contracts. Also this week, former military advisor Richard Perle accepted a job as the new CEO & main share-holder of Haliburton Corporation.
DONORS APPROVE NEW "FOOD-FOR-NUCLEAR-DISARMAMENT" at World Food Programme Executive Committee meetings this week in Rome, whereby 500,000 MT of WFP wheat would be given to Iran in a swap for their new nuclear missiles. As part of a triangular transaction, WFP will donate the nuclear missiles to former food recipient South Korea. WFP Director James Morris explained that this fits with WFP's new bigvision approach, including other initiatives such as "food-fortechnological-innovation", "food-for-tourism", & "food-for-newtelevision-programming."
NEW HUMANITARIAN AID STANDARDS DRAFTED BY COALITION MILITARY extend the now-in-revision SPHERE humanitarian charter & minimum standards. Among the new standards is a clarification that relief aid should only be given if the recipients reveal tactical information useful to combat or if they agree to flee their homes. Water should be delivered primarily in the form of imported bottles & shelter destruction should be given earliest priority.
THE EUROPEAN UNION CLARIFIED ITS DISASTER FUNDING POLICIES in a position paper this week on 2 controversial issues. First, in reaction to controversies over its refusal to become involved in Iraq, ECHO announced that in all cases in the future it "would fund needed disaster prevention & preparedness only after a disaster has occurred." Second, with regard to its long-standing reluctance to fund intl NGOs, ECHO explained that any aid agency from anywhere in the world was welcome to receive funding from ECHO, just so long as they are based in Europe & employ only Europeans.
FRANCE PASSES NEW ANTI-AMERICA LAWS IN REACTION to current rift. "For example, under the new legislation, all McDonalds in France must go by the name of Chevalier's & American Airlines airplanes must be marked 'Uncouth Airlines' when landing at de Gaulle airport," explained Minister of Humanitarian Legislation Pepe Le Pew.
HOLLYWOOD PARADIGM SHIFTS TO HUMANITARIAN RELIEF HEROES: following the success of a spate of movies about comic characters such as Spiderman, Hollywood has now rushed to adapt a cascade of films about humanitarian aid workers.
In a movie now in pre-production filming in Hawaii, USAID workers dig tunnels under Chechnya & physically carry Chechens over the Mts into Thailand. In another film, titled "Feed the Meters", being filmed in NW Mexico, aid workers attend countless meetings inside office buildings. Peter O'Toole has been cast as Dr. John Seaman, & Gerard Depardieu has agreed to play Bernard Kouchner in a war between Save the Children & MSF. The UNHCR hero, Craig Sanders, will be played by Brad Pitt. In another script under consideration by Paramount, NGO workers wage pitched battles against the UN bureaucracy. Morgan Freeman has signed on to play Roy Williams, Martin Sheen as former UNICEF director Jim Grant, Colin Farrell will play Austen Davis, Nicholas Cage has agreed to play Gerry Martone of IRC, Meryl Streep has signed to play UNHCR's Madame Ogata, John Travolta will play Chris Hennemeyer of CRS, & Robert de Niro will play Kofi Annan. Disney has announced an animated adventure of UN peacekeepers trying to protect Hutus in Congo, the working title is "Jungle Book, Chapter 6 1/2."
In the already successful March-release "Tears of the Sun," Bruce Willis already stars as a new kind of humanitarian aid action hero, who kills as many Nigerians as possible (he's outnumbered). Also, a tragic romantic epic based on the life of Fred Cuny, titled "Be Yawn Borders" is finished & ready for release this year; the slight, quiet British actor Clive Owen plays the larger-than-life Texan, Cuny, with a British accent.
"AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL" CREATED TO COMPETE FOR ACCLAIM "Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China & Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of. Axis of Evil members immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil -in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition." [Separately,] Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. (source: John Cleese)
This morning the White House & Govt in Baghdad announced a peace summit. A look-alike of Saddam Hussein & a look-alike of George Bush said they would send their respective doubles (look-alikes) to meet for peace negotiations in a city that looks like Cairo. The Bush looks-like-the-look-alike, a Mr. A.E. Neumann, says he has been preparing over forty years for this spy vs. spy mission.
"War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left." -Stephen Wright
